21. I love waking up as the sun rises, usually around dawn. My mind is always filled with ideas for songs, poems, film scripts, a cure for cancer, then I drift back to sleep and all is forgotten.
Well, it depends on that dream doesn’t it
22. I love not having to work anymore: “The problem with not doing anything is you never get to take time off.” – Sebastian Horsley.
Count how much money you have in your pocket then calculate the chances of living long enough to spend it.
23. I love Sebastian Horsley. He was such a dear friend and like all my dear friends I lose them. I hope not carelessly.
24. I love going to other town bars a few miles away. The anonymity is thrilling. It is like a cloak of invisibility. I can sit alone in public, my name is not shouted at me. I am reborn nameless. I could try flip flops.
Do voyeurs like to be watched?
25. I love listening to film soundtracks on earbuds. The world is transformed. Crossing a road can become portentous, silly, ecstatic, deadly, pointless, but it is never just crossing the road.
16. I love seeing my wife smile. She does it every single day when she wakes up. On the rare occasion she doesn't, I check to make sure I'm at home.
17. I love watering the pitcher plants every morning.
As an unapologetic, if slightly guilty carnivore, I get some twisted comfort nurturing a vegetable that it eats meat.
Mummy is this where condoms come from?
18. I love the mirror in the bathroom. There is something wrong with it. It has some sort of distortion. If you move towards it you get thinner, if you move further away you get fatter. I'm not sure which distance is lying but I often squash my nose on it.
19. I love having a cold. Two full days is enough, any more than that and I know I'm dying.
20. I love finding out I have gained a day. For example I might think it's Wednesday only to find out that it is Tuesday. The reverse of this makes me feel I've been time burgled.
11. I love stopping YouTube videos then shutting down my computer and leaving the house before the person in the video opens their mouth to start speaking or singing, just because I don't like the look of them.
I wish the real world had a similar facility that did not involve violence.
12. I love hearing that people who do things like climb mountains, or enjoy extreme sports, have killed themselves without endangering any rescuers or wasting the time of local medical services. Fuck those selfish bastards.
13. I love hearing my cats finally giving up whining and scratching at the bedroom door, as they finally realise once again that I am never, ever, ever, going to let them in, no matter what they want. Unless they are trying to tell me the house is on fire.
Look the kittie's head splits apart and then flames come shooting out. That's not right surely?
14. I love finding a secret beer stashed at the back of the fridge when I think we have no beer left and that I'll be forced to go out into the hot sun without having had a beer before going out to get more beer.
Pictured is an example, not actual product or my fridge.
15. I love the pitter patter of rain on windows. However in Andalusia when it rains it's like being trapped in a 40ft empty freight container left inside a Car Wash for a week, or living nextdoor to Enya.
Black Lace singer forced to perform 'Agadoo' for fellow inmates while serving prison sentence
“When these terrifying criminals tell you to do something you Agadoo' it.”
The frontman and now fat bastard of the novelty Europlop act Black Lace has revealed that he was forced to repeatedly sing his group's most famous song for his fellow inmates in the showers while serving a recent prison sentence.
Dene Michael Betteridge, who was an official member of the tragically still-active pop group between 1987 and 1991, recently served 10 weeks of a six-month sentence at HMP Leeds after fraudulently claiming £25,000 in benefits and for making one of the most shit records of all time.
“But these terrifying criminals tell you to Agadoo' (sic) something you Agadoo' it, so we had a conga of convicts snaking around the jail,” he explained. “They all seemed to find it hilarious and everyone joined in. It lifted the gloom somewhat. All the murderers and drug dealers wanted to be my mate, or boyfriend or something.”
“It was all the time, everyone wanted to sing 'Agadoo' with me. It was surreal singing the party song about pushing pineapples up arses and shaking one's tree in such grim circumstances, but people were obsessed with me, they may have even fallen in love with me, which is quite flattering really. At night when we were all in our cells, the entire wing was singing in chorus: ‘Agadoo doo doo’ you're gonna get your fuckin' ed kicked in.' I thought the prison officers would be angry but they found it fucking hilarious.”
The 59-year-old had been claiming disability benefits after claiming that he couldn't walk when in fact he is just tone deaf and dances like a your dad's boyfriend. He claimed he required a carer, despite giving live performances as Black Lace that involved “vigorous humiliating physical activity” on stage in front of as many as one hundred people per week. He also auditioned on The Voice, while last year he appeared in a Walker's advert alongside Gary Lineker, which nobody remembers or cares about.