I was moved yesterday by this photograph taken by the Caregiver of a British infant school-goer. It is a Still Life Image of the child’s Post-Brexit Regulation Christmas School Luncheon, £3.49. It immediately inspired me, I thought to myself, surely this Happy Holiday Season would be the perfect time to introduce the uninitiated Gastrophiles of Europe to true British Fare? I’d wager that by this morning it will already be sited by East London’s ironic anaemic hipster fraternity as “A Stone Cold Classic.” However, I’m yet to be convinced that Badger penis is traditional, but fair enough, due to the current shortage of HGV drivers one has to improvise ways of culling the flea ridden buggers; using Uber Taxis, Narwhal Tusks, etc … and it is important of course that we be environmentally responsible and thus redistribute the bTB infected body-parts of these monochomatic pests so as to benefit the UKKKip Nation’s starving children.
Whilst having a spot of light lunch yesterday I couldn’t help but admire this questionable choice of photo for a place that serves food. The rodents pictured are from the Tio Pepe Sherry bodega which has been serving generations of mice a glass a day for over a century, the kind workers of Gonzales Byass have even provided their furtive freinds with a little access ladder. I was told by the waiter that the practice has now been stopped due to EU health regulations: How many units are Mice allowed? I asked.
Britain’s rats are awaiting the announcement of a No Deal Brexit, then the Tennent’s Super swilling drunken bastards will go on the rampage bringing back the good’olde worlde Black Death, probably.
At the Ferria, the week before last, there was a bullfight. This week dead bull was on sale in the food market. So I bought some and made Toro à la Bourguignonne.
The pirate who killed my dinner was this man who reminds me of Shane MacGowan.
Shane MacGowan 1980’s
Shane more recently
Pirate of the bullring: Juan José Padilla Juan José Padilla, 43, was born in Jerez de la Frontera in Andalucia and always aspired to be a bullfighter. He took on his first bull when he was 21 and soon earned the nickname, the Pirate.
In October 2011 he was gored by a bull in Zaragoza and almost died from his injuries. The bulls horn went through his skull, he suffered multiple skull and jaw fractures. He ended up with loss of hearing, facial paralysis and was blind in his left eye. But he refused to retire and five months later returned to the bullring with an eyepatch. Fans coined the nickname The Pirate. In May 2012 he survived serious injury when a bull threw him into the air in Madrid. Then in October last year he was gored again in the same eye socket by a bull in Zaragoza.
Then, recently his glass eye flew out when he was gored by a bull in Valencia.
It was a choice I made early. The world doesn’t need another Half Of ME.
Oddly, people always asume it was a choice and not the consequence of something else.
I have never been asked about my fertility. I’ll never know the answer.
So, I’m only responsible for myself and everything I say and do to the entire world.
27. I love shopping alphabetically. Food shopping can get dull.
So this week I am only buying things that start with the letter A.
You can lose weight on some letters.
I also do it by packaging. Next week only tins, mnnn.
28. I love having my head scratched.
Fingernails comb my brain stems into flowing streams of enlightened consciousness.
I think pets are onto something.
29. I love Custard. Not to eat, you crazy fools. I like playing with it. You get a bowl of the powder then add small amounts of water until is a very thick mud. Then you scoop some out and squeeze it. It magically turns into a solid. Then as you let it go it returns to a liquid, you can have hours of stoner fun.
Try it in wanky restaurants.
30. I love looking for things to put in the Trash on my computer.
After a good forage I hit the empty Trash button and I feel as if I have lifted a small burden from the world’s digital shoulders.
Despite billions of dollars being spent to create English language versions of computer operating shitstems we still have American Trash instead of English Rubbish.
11. I love stopping YouTube videos then shutting down my computer and leaving the house before the person in the video opens their mouth to start speaking or singing, just because I don't like the look of them.
I wish the real world had a similar facility that did not involve violence.
12. I love hearing that people who do things like climb mountains, or enjoy extreme sports, have killed themselves without endangering any rescuers or wasting the time of local medical services. Fuck those selfish bastards.
13. I love hearing my cats finally giving up whining and scratching at the bedroom door, as they finally realise once again that I am never, ever, ever, going to let them in, no matter what they want. Unless they are trying to tell me the house is on fire.
Look the kittie's head splits apart and then flames come shooting out. That's not right surely?
14. I love finding a secret beer stashed at the back of the fridge when I think we have no beer left and that I'll be forced to go out into the hot sun without having had a beer before going out to get more beer.
Pictured is an example, not actual product or my fridge.
15. I love the pitter patter of rain on windows. However in Andalusia when it rains it's like being trapped in a 40ft empty freight container left inside a Car Wash for a week, or living nextdoor to Enya.
6. I love re-stringing my guitars. They jingle jangle with the promise of musical gold. Then I don't touch them for weeks because they's got a bad soul on the mofo tuning!
7. I love making pesto. There's so much basil crawling about here I feel compelled to make tons of the stuff. Then I quickly get sick of it. Most of it is given to friends to throw in their bins.
8. I love smelly unctuous French cheeses. I can never sleep afterwards. When I turn out the lights I can actually hear the cholesterol rumbling through my arteries like I'm trying to doze on the London Circle Line.
9. I love oysters. I only like eating them raw. It's Russian roulette with bivalve molluscs.
One day one of these fuckers is going to kill me but the thrill of it seems worth it. That which does not kill us makes us upchuck.
10. I love red wine but I cannot for the life of me remember the name of a single red wine that I could purchase 100% certain in the knowledge that I had tried it before and liked it. I am almost always disappointedly wrong.
It was early but the temperature was already climbing into the mid 30's so I switched on the garden misting thingy as the church bells rang out 8 AM.
The bells reminded me of my dad's funeral who died at 55 on my 31st birthday. Note to self: I am still alive, don't get smug.
Bish Bash Bosh
I decided to make mayonnaise with garlic, alioli, sod Hellmanns. The picture is not the finished article, just the garlic you understand.
Time for A Latch Lifter
POV of feet and filthy kitchen floor, nice
I am wearing a Jellaba made from an old sheet. I feel and look like a psychedelic hammock: Pillock.
The Alioli is to go with this
I am not pictured, or am I?
A bit weird all this, as it was Fruits De Mer with Chablis and Alioli, which may originate from Provence, so it's bloody French. Still it's all in the EU init? Actually it felt oddly exotic. I might try Fish & Chips soon.
One is now, as I write this the next day, horribly hungover. After Brexifast I sauntered on to a swimming pool bar, and subsequently a series of drinking houses of questionable quality, finally arriving back at breakfast this very morning to another Latch Lifter.
On January 27th 1649 King Charles I of England, Scotland and Ireland was found guilty of high treason at a public drinking session. He was beheaded three days later, outside of Norman Balon's Coach & Horses, Soho, London
On January 30th 1649 Following the execution of King Charles I, the Commonwealth of England, a republican form of government, duffs up and replaces the monarchy as the form of government of England and later of Scotland and Ireland. Members of the Long Parliament serve as government
Now We're Talking
March 19th 1649 The House of Commons of England passes an act abolishing the House of Lords, declaring that it is “useless and dangerous to the people of England”
November 1st 2016 Paul Vincent Lawford purchases a plastic thingamy jiggy for spinning things around and that. Fiskars have been making toss such as this since 1649 which makes you think, or not, doth it not?