I Feel Terrible I Look Terrible I’m Fifty Fucking Five

Yesterday was one of my Birthdays

It was early but the temperature was already climbing into the mid 30's so I switched on the garden misting thingy as the church bells rang out 8 AM.


Misty Buff

The bells reminded me of my dad's funeral who died at 55 on my 31st birthday. Note to self: I am still alive, don't get smug.

Bish Bash Bosh

I decided to make mayonnaise with garlic, alioli, sod Hellmanns. The picture is not the finished article, just the garlic you understand.


Time for A Latch Lifter


POV of feet and filthy kitchen floor, nice

I am wearing a Jellaba made from an old sheet. I feel and look like a psychedelic hammock: Pillock.

The Alioli is to go with this

for breakfast

I am not pictured, or am I?

A bit weird all this, as it was Fruits De Mer with Chablis and Alioli, which may originate from Provence, so it's bloody French. Still it's all in the EU init? Actually it felt oddly exotic. I might try Fish & Chips soon.


One is now, as I write this the next day, horribly hungover. After Brexifast I sauntered on to a swimming pool bar, and subsequently a series of drinking houses of questionable quality, finally arriving back at breakfast this very morning to another Latch Lifter.


I am now taking this for Gout



No Country For Old Vegetarians

A medieval craving led me to The Kebab House. As I waited the 20 seconds it takes to prepare a No.1 I had a look at the picture menu

Sin Verdira 0,50€ mas

Which translates as

No Vegetables 50p More


1649 And All That Toss

On January 27th 1649 King Charles I of England, Scotland and Ireland was found guilty of high treason at a public drinking session. He was beheaded three days later, outside of Norman Balon's Coach & Horses, Soho, London

Jolly Good


  • Quite Interesting

    On January 30th 1649 Following the execution of King Charles I, the Commonwealth of England, a republican form of government, duffs up and replaces the monarchy as the form of government of England and later of Scotland and Ireland. Members of the Long Parliament serve as government

    Now We're Talking

    March 19th 1649 The House of Commons of England passes an act abolishing the House of Lords, declaring that it is “useless and dangerous to the people of England”

November 1st 2016 Paul Vincent Lawford purchases a plastic thingamy jiggy for spinning things around and that. Fiskars have been making toss such as this since 1649 which makes you think, or not, doth it not?


Honey Makes Bees

The Crunchie Bar, for those who may not know of it, is a milk chocolate bar with a golden honeycombed centre (38%) Except that it isn't.



  • Sugar,
  • Glucose Syrup,
  • Cocoa Butter,
  • Cocoa Mass,
  • Dried Skimmed Milk,
  • Dried Whey (from Milk),
  • Palm Oil,
  • Milk Fat,
  • Emulsifier (E442),
  • Flavourings,
  • Coconut Oil,
  • Milk Chocolate: Milk Solids 14 % minimum,
  • Contains Vegetable Fats in addition to Cocoa Butter

No honey what so ever

So with this in mind we set about foolishly making some real honeycomb confectionary muck with real honey, in a very real way.

Which could have looked like this

Here are Bees looking

for stuff to make honey

Making honey doesn't look like much fun. It looks like a lot of hard work for bugger-all reward. So, I imagine that when Bees can get away with it they just steal some from somewhere else and claim the credit. Even if they are misled.

Unbeknownst to ourselves a breed of these Lazy Bugger Bees detected the Taste of Honey and swarmed the kitchen.

I'm covered in Bees!

No madam I think you'll find

I'm covered in Bees!

Cadbury's probably took the honey out of the Crunchies to avoid Danger Of Death at the factories. Also honeycomb doesn't taste anywhere near as good made with real honey. Anyway, it's all in the bin now covered with dead Bees. I might try Cheesy Wotsit's next.


I awoke this morning to an International Incident

But please don't worry your pretty little heads it's just the name of a cocktail. As international Incidents go this one was quite sickening, but infinitely superior to Muesli muck.

There's a rather incitefull obsevation by R.D. Laing attached to the recipe.


You’ve probably seen this but oooohhh ..

… fuck it.

These insufferable pricks have been transformed into Acid House gods. I have been singing this in my overdosed mind for weeks. So, now my dears I present this Ear Worm to you on a buttery biscuit base.

I didn't make it and I still like it.

Finally What The World Has Been Waiting For

Another blog from me?

No Sirs, Ladies & Ladymen.

It is this.

I offer unto you

from the depths of my bin

Frozen Kebab!

I had never seen, let alone eaten, a kebab in daylight, or sober, for obvious reasons; thus so for this I prepared for its ingestion by downing a crate of beer and then satiating my lust for bad food by torching it with an industrial blow torch and microwaving it for laughs. It was good. 10,000 flies can't be wrong. This was the Chicken and Turkey version, or whatever. I have the beef and lamb version in the back of the freezer somewhere for emergencies.

The Human life cycle is getting longer and fast food is getting faster, you do the math (amatics). I can't (be bothered).