26. I love not having or owning children.
It was a choice I made early. The world doesn’t need another Half Of ME.
Oddly, people always asume it was a choice and not the consequence of something else.
I have never been asked about my fertility. I’ll never know the answer.
So, I’m only responsible for myself and everything I say and do to the entire world.
27. I love shopping alphabetically. Food shopping can get dull.
So this week I am only buying things that start with the letter A.
You can lose weight on some letters.
I also do it by packaging. Next week only tins, mnnn.
28. I love having my head scratched.
Fingernails comb my brain stems into flowing streams of enlightened consciousness.
I think pets are onto something.
29. I love Custard. Not to eat, you crazy fools. I like playing with it. You get a bowl of the powder then add small amounts of water until is a very thick mud. Then you scoop some out and squeeze it. It magically turns into a solid. Then as you let it go it returns to a liquid, you can have hours of stoner fun.
Try it in wanky restaurants.
30. I love looking for things to put in the Trash on my computer.
After a good forage I hit the empty Trash button and I feel as if I have lifted a small burden from the world’s digital shoulders.
Despite billions of dollars being spent to create English language versions of computer operating shitstems we still have American Trash instead of English Rubbish.
Shovel this down your gullet you plonker
21. I love waking up as the sun rises, usually around dawn. My mind is always filled with ideas for songs, poems, film scripts, a cure for cancer, then I drift back to sleep and all is forgotten.
Well, it depends on that dream doesn’t it
22. I love not having to work anymore: “The problem with not doing anything is you never get to take time off.” – Sebastian Horsley.
Count how much money you have in your pocket then calculate the chances of living long enough to spend it.
23. I love Sebastian Horsley. He was such a dear friend and like all my dear friends I lose them. I hope not carelessly.
24. I love going to other town bars a few miles away. The anonymity is thrilling. It is like a cloak of invisibility. I can sit alone in public, my name is not shouted at me. I am reborn nameless. I could try flip flops.
Do voyeurs like to be watched?
25. I love listening to film soundtracks on earbuds. The world is transformed. Crossing a road can become portentous, silly, ecstatic, deadly, pointless, but it is never just crossing the road.
“I’m using the chicken measure it”
16. I love seeing my wife smile. She does it every single day when she wakes up. On the rare occasion she doesn't, I check to make sure I'm at home.
17. I love watering the pitcher plants every morning.
As an unapologetic, if slightly guilty carnivore, I get some twisted comfort nurturing a vegetable that it eats meat.
Mummy is this where condoms come from?
18. I love the mirror in the bathroom. There is something wrong with it. It has some sort of distortion. If you move towards it you get thinner, if you move further away you get fatter. I'm not sure which distance is lying but I often squash my nose on it.
19. I love having a cold. Two full days is enough, any more than that and I know I'm dying.
20. I love finding out I have gained a day. For example I might think it's Wednesday only to find out that it is Tuesday. The reverse of this makes me feel I've been time burgled.
11. I love stopping YouTube videos then shutting down my computer and leaving the house before the person in the video opens their mouth to start speaking or singing, just because I don't like the look of them.
I wish the real world had a similar facility that did not involve violence.
12. I love hearing that people who do things like climb mountains, or enjoy extreme sports, have killed themselves without endangering any rescuers or wasting the time of local medical services. Fuck those selfish bastards.
13. I love hearing my cats finally giving up whining and scratching at the bedroom door, as they finally realise once again that I am never, ever, ever, going to let them in, no matter what they want. Unless they are trying to tell me the house is on fire.
Look the kittie's head splits apart and then flames come shooting out. That's not right surely?
14. I love finding a secret beer stashed at the back of the fridge when I think we have no beer left and that I'll be forced to go out into the hot sun without having had a beer before going out to get more beer.
Pictured is an example, not actual product or my fridge.
15. I love the pitter patter of rain on windows. However in Andalusia when it rains it's like being trapped in a 40ft empty freight container left inside a Car Wash for a week, or living nextdoor to Enya.